I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
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My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
me when the borders lift
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies