If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
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I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room