I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
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it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!