I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
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“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
This has made my week.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay