“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
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Ain’t no way
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer