They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.