I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
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Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
car not found
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Mad Max Arctic Road
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.