oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
You Might Also Like
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?