Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
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Trumpy Cat
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.