zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
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“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.