Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
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Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
My work here is don’t.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.