WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
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Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper