Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
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They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.