Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
You Might Also Like
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.