Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
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Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
No. He’s not coming out to play
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it