A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
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You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Erm I’m gonna say no
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.