I think this cat is broken
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“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.