Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
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I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.