I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
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Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
just left a huge legacy in there
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Good morning
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.