A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
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I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.