I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
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ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
What an awful time to have common sense.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet