Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
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*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Growing up was a huge mistake
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.