I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
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someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
#parenting
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.