Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
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Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.