If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
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[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I need this for my side hustle.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
never deleting this app.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX