Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
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Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
How to properly lift a body
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.