my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
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Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
won’t smith
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”