Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
You Might Also Like
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
adam and eve had first world problems
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
This is hilarious….
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.