I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
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Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I’m going to need a moment here.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.