CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
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Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
My sex drive has a dui
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.