My favorite type of men is ramen.
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Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?