The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
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We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
never compromise your values
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.