How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
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“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”