[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
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santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I’ll be mad as hell!
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!