Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
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“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Last-minute gift idea!
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
<—- homeless romantic
When can I start eating bats again.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar