This is not me but this is me
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I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?