When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
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Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’