Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
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KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.