When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
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Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!