The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
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How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
A short story of betrayal:
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.