If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account