*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
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According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
technically true but not a great slogan
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
rich people when they have to pay taxes
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.