Why aren’t more people talking about this?
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It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!