Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
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I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Has science gone too far?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.