I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
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8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.