If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
You Might Also Like
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything