[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
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Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”