Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”