Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
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My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Have a lovely day 😊
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
guys i’ve cracked the code
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!