It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
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The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.